I haven’t posted for a few days as had some good ones. Today, I’ve woken with some negative thoughts and it all comes back to the change in our relationship from the early days.
Our promising physical start has dwindled to nothing of an intimate nature although we are still happy and affectionate with one another.
When he visited on Wednesday, I kissed him a little more deeply than usual and he very skillfully and gently put a stop to it and I’m sitting her reflecting on how that’s made me feel. He’s also been diagnosed with a condition that makes him tired all the time and can impact his impotence but he can’t speak about the latter as I can only imagine that he feels less of a man and he absolutely should not and I am very understanding of these things. I think it is the worry that if we are truly meant to have a future, we should be able to talk about these things. I don’t think it has occurred to him to think about how it impacts me and my belief in myself.
Anyway, for now, I’ll put it away in a box and I know the feelings will surface again at some point. It’s important that I don’t drink alcohol as I have a tendency to clumsily try and broach difficult subjects and that nearly caused us to split up.
I know we are important to each other but I want a romantic relationship – not in the hearts and flowers sense, but not solely a friendship.
I’m trying to do things to keep a sense of myself. Joined the gym and still making an effort with my appearance but remembering that I am doing that for me and not for us.
I’ll come back to the dating history at some point.
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